Cloven Fruit
An Operator's Manual

Or... Why is this weirdo puckering up while handing me an orange?

The "Cloved" or "Cloven" Fruit is an SCA tradition. It's fairly harmless, but it can be a little embarassing if you don't know the rules. And it's a essentially a kissing game. The Author (that's me) has not seen any verifiable claim to any medieval kissing game at all, and there have been numerous reports that the cloven fruit is, in fact, an SCA invention created way back in the ancient days of the 1980's.

Folk may argue that the cloven fruit isn't period, that kissing games are juvenile, or that they are unhygenic. But none of that really matters. Rare though they are in Meridies, they are going to show up, and you are going to have to deal with them.   It's just an ice-breaker that allows two people to meet, and gives them something in common to talk about: namely, how awkward it is to deal with a cloven fruit.

That said, the cloven fruit is typically a citrus fruit of some type, orange, lemon, or the like. Although I have seen cucumbers and watermelons in my day. It is studded with cloves.

When presented with a cloven fruit, you have two choices, accept it or reject it. Do me a favor: ALWAYS accept it. No matter what anyone may have told you, SCA culture, at least here in Merdieis, does not put you under obligation to go tonsil-diving with every wierdo who walks up with an orange. However, many folks in the SCA are still working out how to speak to opposite-gender-type persons, and the cloven fruit give you the opportunity to interact constructively, no matter what your response.   I can't speak for the ladies, but you'd go easier on me hitting me in the gut with a 2 pound ball-peen hammer than publicly rejecting a cloven fruit. It's just as embarassing, and generates a less painful sensation in my stomach.

"But, I'm MARRIED," you say, or "My boyfriend is very jealous," or "I'm gay!" Worst of all: "This person is greasy and disgusting! I don't want to kiss that!" Well, a cloven fruit is not an invitation to get married, go steady, or even spend the night, although there may be some hope that it will lead to one or more of the above. It's a way to meet you, and a statement that you are attractive and interesting.

If you are not interested, for whatever reason, don't make excuses. Just smile and allow them to put the fruit in your hand. Remove a clove with your fingers, and firmly present your hand to be kissed. That should be all it takes. Whoever is presenting the fruit should kiss your hand. If they press farther, they are out of line.  In that event, say, don't shout, firmly, "Down boy!  Sit!  Stay!"  This will get your point across in a light-hearted manner that will minimize hurt feelings or embarassment.

If, on the other hand, you find the presenter intriguing, remove a clove with your teeth, and present your cheek, or lips as you consider appropriate.

The Cloven Fruit is also gender-descriminatory. The Ladies are ALWAYS in the driver's seat. The relative level of the smoochies is determined by the lady involved. Gentlemen, if a lady presents you with a fruit, wait to see what part of her anatomy she wants kissed. Likewise, if you present a lady with a fruit, wait for her to present a hand, cheek or lips. Don't ever presume.

Once you have completed the ritual, you have a fruit in your hand full of cloves, minus the one you took out. Look around for someone you might like to meet, or already know and want to smooch, and pass the fruit on.

UPDATE:

Wow. No good deed goes unpunished, does it? I thought you might be interested in one person's take on this article. - Will

From Reginleif: